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Wedding Colours

August 18, 2011

Wedding Colours
(For Dan and Jenny 23.7.11)

Breathing
cerulean,
lapis glimmer. Blues bent
– prismatic fizz – to joy this day:
nuptial.

Streaming
aureolin; golden ochre
sable stroking beach haze.
Rebuff mustard –
breathe bliss.

Posted for dVerse Poets Meeting the Bar 19.8.11 – critique and craft event where poets meet for constructive feedback on works in progress.

 

Re-write # 1 – attempting to be less cryptic…

Wedding Colours
(For Dan and Jenny 23.7.11)

you chose
clear daylight for
wedding colours: blue and
yellow hues to weave ringed fingers
tightly

breathing
cerulean,
lapis glimmer; you bent
the blues – prismatic fizz – to joy
today

streaming
aureolin – your gold ochre
brushes steam beachy haze.
rebuff mustard –
breathe bliss

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14 Comments
  1. Hi Becky –

    I like your use of colour and the the terse, pithy style you offer snatches of imagery to teh reader with some choice word-use.

    cerulean,
    lapis glimmer. Blues

    aureolin; golden ochre

    No idea what you mean by ‘rebuff mustard’ but it’s sound so interesting and original it doesn’t bother me.

    If anything it’s a little too cryptic and terse in short line/sentence/fragment use, though I see uo are using the cinquain format which demands this somewhat; without the word ‘nuptial’ in there (and the title.. and pic) I’d have absolutely no idea what this is about. However the placement in the Narrative of the keyword seems random; perhaps it’s not where it arrives but the punctuation. The way it’s cut off like that, following a full stop and having one directly after. I’d be inclined to open it up a little by punctuating less severely (with the full stops there). A semi-colon after ‘day’ might be one way?

    The use of ‘joy’ and ‘day’ together is the sole place here I feel you might be flirting with some well-worn phrasing; the rest is thoroughly original (despite being a little cryptic) and aesthetically wonderful in many places. If you’re worried abut tackling a big theme too head-on, you certainly haven fallen at that hurdle; in fact I think you may have gone to far the other way a little.

    Sharp work as usual Becky, look forward to seeing the finished version if you decide to edit 🙂

    • Thanks Luke… must admit I’ve been struggling with this and knew I was walking a fine line…. no, never head-on! This sia good opportunity to see where I might go with this one..

      I did find this hard to punctuate and started with a colon after day.. perhaps that would be better..

      I appreciate your thoughts on this… helpful to know just how oblique I am being and will think about how to open this up .. a little.. 🙂

      Thanks for hosting… another great learning opportunity..

  2. visually this is really enjoyable…prismatic fizz is fun and the ochre sable stroking the blue…great line…i appreciate it for the beauty…

  3. AN enjoyable read that I thought was presented very well. I can’t say remnding me of my marriage and alimony was enjoyable 🙂 but I loved your piece anyway

    http://henryclemmons.wordpress.com/2011/08/18/red-petals/

  4. Not sure I can offer much as it is too cryptic for me to have a hook on but clearly this strong summary contrast of blues and yellows has a meaning that relates to the wedding. So perhaps if this is made clear then the poem’s purpose will provide the hooks needed by the reader.For example, is this a contrast of how the couple looked/are emotionally? I see he had a yellow tie and yellow button-hole, Or is it a capture of a moment seem/reflections on a photo? The notion of capturing a scene in its colour alone has obvious counterparts in early modern art so has real potentiality as an approach in poetry, I hope these rambling thoughts help.

    • Thank you John… found your comments really valuable.. and yes I was working from a blue and yellow palette and trying to suggest the day using just that… a tall order! The wedding was themed on those two colours. I’ve expanded it slightly and prefaced with an additional stanza… this may provide the reader with a better way in…? Some of the intensity may be lost to allow meaning to emerge.. 🙂

  5. ha – enjoyed this…whatever you mean with Rebuff mustard – it gives something like a drum bang before the …
    breathe bliss…. i like

  6. Thanks Claudia… love how you approach this musiaclly… guess if I don’t make my meaning clear this is the best option…

    Rebuff mustard… avoid the bitter yellows in life… 🙂

  7. Hey Becky

    I ate up some of these word combinations – I see Rebuff mustard is a favourite and i am on board – love that.

    Prismatic fizz – oh yes.

    This piece is alive with words —– VIVID NOTIONS!

    Your re-write is polished and well worth the effort

    an exciting poem!

    • I can see a little prismatic fizz in your response… 🙂 Thank you.. do appreciate your interest and encouragement… otherwise like juggling in a dark cupboard….

  8. I do like the rewrite… the colours of your poem sparkles on this special day ~

  9. Thanks Heaven… appreciate your feedback..

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