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Wanting

August 12, 2011

Deluged under mail, inbox swamped by
waving flags, friends and tags: I want hiatus

gorged on Newton Poppleford cream teas,
heaving scones, clotted moans: I want hunger

skin-sodden by sheeting Lakeland showers
dripping cuffs, bluff n’ buff: I want drought

outrun by stalking deadlines, ticking targets
snapped-at-heels, me-me-meals: I want stasis

blistered by forty Gulf degrees, glue humidity
sweat-streaming arms, Sure-alarms: I want arctic

blazoned by your sculpting breath, hot swigs
of daily schmooze, soft-worn shoes: I want nada, nothing, nix

………………………………………………….

The Ghazal: FormForAll – dVerse Poets Pub Aug 11 http://wp.me/p1GTyJ-6r
I have written in the contemporary style and have taken liberties, so perhaps this should be called a mock-ghazal.


The following prose-poetry version was written by my good friend Carys (http://rockp88l.wordpress.com/). Thank you for sharing your creativity.

Wanting

Deluged under mail, inbox swamped by waving flags, friends and tags: I want hiatus gorged on Newton Poppleford cream teas, heaving scones, clotted moans:

I want hunger, skin-sodden by sheeting Lakeland showers, dripping cuffs, bluff n’ buff: I want drought outrun by stalking deadlines, ticking targets snapped-at-heels, me-me-meals:

I want stasis blistered by forty Gulf degrees, glue humidity, sweat-streaming arms, Sure-alarms: I want arctic blazoned by your sculpting breath, hot swigs
of daily schmooze, soft-worn shoes: I want nada, nothing, nix.

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24 Comments
  1. This is so sassy, left me with a huge smile. I love your contemporary mock-Ghazal, if that’s what you want to call it. Go for it! I have the PGA tourney from Atlanta on in the background and they are all wet with sweat. Must be like where you are on the Gulf (I’m guessing).

    • Thanks Victoria… didn’t truly feel I could call it even a contemporary ghazal as I had stretched it so far! Did have fun with a great prompt though…

  2. Very clever “mock ghazal”! I enjoyed the unexpected turns in this piece: “I want hunger.. I want drought,…I want nada…nothing…nix.”

  3. hedgewitch permalink

    I like what you did with the language here, and especially liked the substance behind the style, which worked well in a couplet form and varying refrain I thought. I’m not even going to try to critique it as form, but I liked the clear crisp images of excess countered by the yearning for a less cluttered,less battering simplicity and austerity–something I think we and society as a whole could benefit from. Enjoyed it much.

  4. Hi Becky,

    Some amazing word combinations really set my imagination into the whirlosphere.

    blistered by forty Gulf degrees, glue humidity
    sweat-streaming arms, Sure-alarms: I want arctic

    Stunning couplet and twistingly interesting.

    Striking a pitch perfect balance through out.

    CHEERS!

    • Cheers yourself Arron..! Interesting to see what a traditional form can dredge out of folk…. even if it’s not the traditional form 😉

  5. Really clever word play, Becky. I have felt that range of things today, I want cool, I want apps to save smoothly, I want work to be finished, I want more time to read her, but I’m grateful for what I have and in fact, really want nothing. Think this is a good Ghazal. I’m interested to see what John has to say about it. It works for me and I always enjoy your work. Thanks for stopping by the pub. Gay

    • Gay – thank you for your thoughts… really appreciate that you took the time in what sounds like it has not always been a perfect day! Great to be here…

  6. Excellent Becky. Like this form

  7. Evening Luke… cheers… me too…

  8. blazoned by your sculpting breath, hot swigs
    of daily schmooze, soft-worn shoes: I want nada, nothing, nix

    Stellar close in a joy to read poem, I am rooting for you to get what you want!

  9. Thanks Anna.. ! So nice of you…

  10. Thanks, Henry, I appreciate that…

  11. Hi, my feedback is based on these five factors starting from a traditional perspective but also looking at modern developments. Please note, I’m only commenting on the use of the form so other than a gentle nod to your content I keep away from a workshop style critique. I am drawing on Agha Shahid Ali’s, chapter from An Exaltation of forms (Ed Finch and Varnes). This is a poem of his based on the traditional rules. http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/172051 Now back on to your poem.

    1) Association
    One of the key factors of the form – traditional or modern is that the couplets need to be based as it were on variations on a theme. And standalone as the order should not matter. These are standalone and interchangeable.

    2) Theme
    The first couplet usually sets out the theme of the poem but its the title that sets up the them which is about wanting.

    3) Couplets
    A nice sequence of couplets but they are all enjambment. Some enjambment occurs in the modern forms but as the exception in the poem rather than the norm. You don’t refer to the narrator/writer in the last couplet.

    4) Rhyme and refrain
    In the classical tradition, the opening couplet would set the refrain and internal rhyme in the first and second line. Then in the rest of the couplets the refrain and internal rhyme would be on the second line. You have a refrain word/question but no internal rhyme.

    5) Metre
    I’m not sure what you have gone for as the beats and meter seem to shift from couplet to couplet. But it has a strong rhythm.

    • Thanks John.. really appreciate your careful reading of my poem. I’m not sure if you saw my disclaimer as I was very aware that I had stretched the form considerably so felt it might be better to view this as mock-ghazal. I was definitely working within the modern style – but did use internal rhyme.. Thanks for this introduction to ghazals – really enjoyed the starting point.. 🙂

      • Hi sorry I meant that I didn’t see a sequence of true rhymes – you have some very strong internal rhymes which give it its bounce. And yes did see your disclaimer 🙂

  12. We all seems to want the opposite of what we have.. I enjoyed this ghazal with an ultra-modern feel.

  13. I think this is a delight! I like the idea of mock-ghazal. 😉

  14. ha, I like it a lot. How we always want what we don’t have until we have it – lol.

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