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Fatal (27)

July 26, 2011

Sucking
seventeen when
mum died. Dawn policemen
balance-beaming: daffodil bright
-frozen-

and raw
liver – sliced here and here and here.
Stiletto skinned the heart,
proved not fatal
to me.

Teeter
twenty-seven:
plangent, tight, soaring chords
-sliced. Blues-struck Beehive melodies.
Fatal.

(Amy Winehouse died aged 27.)

I have used a mirror cinquain plus cinquain, counting syllables with no fixed meter. Syllable count:

2-4-6-8-2
2-8-6-4-2
2-4-6-8-2

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14 Comments
  1. great use of the form… and these lines are fatal:

    and raw
    liver – sliced here and here and here.
    Stiletto skinned the heart

    • Thanks for reading, Heaven… I found the formal restrictions really helpful here in paring it down to the bone…

  2. a fine tribute…hard words the dissection of the liver indeed….interesting form too…i like

    • Thanks, Brian… appreciate your words.. that liver part seems to have made an impression .. do we all hate liver? Or worried about the state of ours..? πŸ™‚

  3. Really different form, nicely played. Great tribute too!

    • Hi Pat… thanks for reading.. I like the economy of this form… think it’s also possible to write a longer poem using the cinquain.. real focus on word choice… Yes, this one started about me and segued into Amy’s tragedy… 27

  4. Wow, this captures her life, or what I know of her life. I liked the non fixed rhythm because it mirrors the complexity of her life.

  5. Becky I know I’ve seen this already and commented, but it really is ace of space. Kudos

    • Thanks, Luke … I have no problem with you commenting as often as you like.. πŸ™‚ FEPC has been great for me.. perfect place to learn..

  6. Fitting tribute to a troubled one. Gone from this world far too early.

    Nicely done.

    You can find me here:
    The Evening Wind

  7. You already know how I feel about this piece from the board Becky. Absolute dynamite write. Visceral and yet very poignant. These two lines are still my favourites

    balance-beaming: daffodil bright – perfectly depicts the demeanor of the seventeen year old girl moments before her world is ripped apart as well as alluding to the torchlight of the dawn policemen and the vital turning point in the poem for me.

    Stiletto skinned the heart – made me wince, in a good way – devastatingly powerful line.

    • Thanks for reading again, Julie…second helpings of wincing..very much appreciated. Seems it’s not just the writer who has to suffer… πŸ™‚

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