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Darcy’s Wet Shirt

July 22, 2011

You thought you nailed me, knew the score, surmised:
a chick-lit plunge (yeah YouTubes ran and ran)
-that drip-tease shirt combusted sex-starved eyes.

Domestic pleasures, saccharined, gift-tied
an Omnimedia Living (Martha’s twang)
-you thought you nailed me, knew the score, surmised.

Peroxide shriek by Gentlemen desired
(di Maggio, Miller, JFK – bang bang)
-that drip-tease shirt combusted sex-starved eyes.

Our Tiger, sinking birdies far and wide –
a champ, pure icon, slipped his halo (Dang)
-you thought you nailed me, knew the score, surmised.

And wuth’ring, lost-boy Heathcliff’s pained reprise
so needed subtler handling (sturm and drang)
-that drip-tease shirt combusted sex-starved eyes.

Diana, Arnold, Beckham – fantasise
those bums and eyes in futures’ flashing fangs.
You thought you nailed me, knew the score, surmised
-that drip-tease shirt combusted sex-starved eyes.

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6 Comments
  1. What can I say? The is a fabulous Villanelle. Your word choices vivid and snappy. Your repeating lines fit perfectly. I’m actually quite blown away. What a perfect way to call out all pretenders!

    The only thing I would like to see improved is the strength of the rhymes. Tied and surmised don’t really rhyme except for the ending d sound, not really enough to consider a rhyme. Eyes and surmised are a weak rhyme because of the ed at the end of surmise. Looking this over, I think that the word surmised is the one word that throws your rhymes off.

    Love the theme, word choices and structure. Thank you for offering this up for critique. If you rewrite and want me to take another look, please let me know. It has been a pleasure.

    Beth

  2. Hi Becky – I was taking the even numbers! really need to crash now, been at the Mac for two days straight no break. I hope to find time to get back to this – did I crit is on teh discussion bard already? It’s a great villanelle. My issue I think was meter? And you’ve added ‘drip-tease’? Very clever. The is iambic pent all thru now, I think it’s darn excellent, save this line –

    (di Maggio, Miller, JFK – bang bang) – one too many syllables, unless you’re pronouncing ‘di Maggio’ as ‘di-Maj-yo’ – I say di-Maj-i-o. In which case you could replace ‘Miller’ with ‘and’ –

    ‘di Maggio and JFK – bang bang’

    • Thanks Luke.. appreciate you taking the time as you seem to have had an overwhleming reponse to this event…. congrats on that.

      Yep, you did look at this on FEPC and words like ‘arcane’ and ‘abstruse’ were applied to my original refernces.. hehe… so had another look at those, aswell as tightening the two refrain lines, especially the second and think they work better now. Replace Giggsy with Tiger and Pippa with Beckham…both better known.

      Yeah, you’re right about di Maggio… I was saying it with 2 syllables, but maybe most readers would use 3 – you think? That being the case, your suggestion would be great..

      Thanks for your help… and the original comments.. 🙂

  3. A great villanelle with some interesting partial rhymes as Beth has already noted – but in my opinion the partial rhymes add excitement. I liked the partial rhymes of ‘ran’ ‘twang’ ‘fangs’ as well.

  4. Beth.. thank you so much for your detailed response. This one really made me work..tricky formal requirements. I appreciate your comments about the rhyme.. and of course you are correct that these are not full rhymes. I was going for near misses to substantiate the message of misrepresentation… so thought just working with assonance could work. I’m going to have another look at this over the next few days and will definitely get back to you if I want to explore fuller rhymes – thanks for the offer.

    Really glad you got the references as had to work hard to make these clearer from my first draft.

    Thanks again.. : )

  5. Hi Marousia .. thanks for reading and taking time to comment. Happy to know the partial rhymes were palatable… I hoped they would work with this theme. Cheers.

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